Bitch Rant: I'm Late, I Know It and Have Zero Regrets

Hey Bitches,

Yeah, yeah, yeah (not unlike the group THE Yeah Yeah Yeahs), I'm late and I know it. For those who are like, "What do you mean you're late?" I'm late posting at the end/beginning of each month, which I said I would be doing. However, I warned you that I may need to be reminded. So guess what? NO ONE REMINDED ME. I'm blaming Mercury in Retrograde like I'm doing all things right now.

Since I'm late, had zero posts last month and already mentioned the Yeah Yeah Yeahs...

Time to see how to walk the streets of New York City with ZERO regrets.

After you are done watching the video, we can start discussing my need for Karen O's studded leather jacket (pictured above). The need can also be yours. Remember, bitches wear leather.

Picture thanks to: styleinspades.com

Have zero regrets, my bitches.

Bitch Rant: May I Have Sleek Ones

Hey Bitches,

I'm calling this, "Bitch Rant," and I will hopefully do these at the end of each month (if I remember to write them, please remind me).

For my May rant, it is apropos that it coincides with a holiday weekend including cookouts, parties and thus dealing with people's social interactions I both like and despise. Let me explain. People in group situations can either be fun or a nightmare - mostly it ends up being a complete and utter nightmare. Budding romances specifically between guys and gals have the opportunity to dissipate when the guys you think worth your time show their true colors by either flocking to a gaggle of obnoxious homeboys or, to further annoyance, flocking to numerous ladies who are awful but they think lovely since the sun has baked their beer soaked brains. Ah boys, they get bored so easily. That's why we need more men in the world. Ah, but I digress for now.

However at first very frustrating, in the long run this is a good thing. One is able to receive useful clarity by witnessing people in their finest party hour and it is easier to identify the true cool cats and dope dogs (or shall I say, dawgs?). It stings when the crazies win over the cool folks. When that's the case, time to change your scenery.

I am getting too old to deal with ridiculous, unsleek people. It's time to get in with the sleek and out with the ratty-rats.

Below is a small sample of THE SLEEK:

Bitches need the sleek and to be sleek to survive. Both are becoming INSTINCT and I will NOT let that happen!

PS - It is no mistake I am featuring TWO princesses and older aged ones above. 

Get with the sleek and be sleek, my bitches.

Bitch Style: Goth Drag Appreciation Day

Hey Bitches,

In celebration of National Goth Day (I know, I didn't know it was either until this morning), I have put together a small collection of some of my favorite "Goth" Drag portraits. I am using the ridiculous quotes around the word GOTH because one (or two) may not be completely labeled as GOTH. Also, yes, I didn't include some YOU think I should've included. TOO BAD. That's what makes us different. Plus, I only had a bit to put this together and well, I'm a bitch so get over it.

I love you...maybe.

BOY GEORGE

TIM CURRY

ANDY WARHOL

and ANDY WARHOL

and ANDY WARHOL

and ANDY WARHOL

Yeah, I have a similar wig of the one directly above. Good choice, Andy.

Keep dragging on, my bitches.

Bitches Love Good Music: Mountain of Love

Mountain of Love By Harold Dorman (1960)

And of course, some others have done their take on it too...

Johnny Rivers (in 1964)

Bruce Springsteen (Live in 1975)

Put the needle down slow, my bitches.

Bitches Drink Wine

Hey Bitches,

As I previously stated about bitches and booze (if you you don't know what I'm talking about, click here), bitches should always keep it simple and sophisticated. Wine, of course, is included. It's what bitches drink. I have located a timely picture to further emphasize this statement. Please see below:

WINE. It's what's for dinner.

So yes, young boy with your wine, you are correct. We love wine. Bring it to us so we may continuing drinking it!

Keep the wine flowing, my bitches.

Bitch TV: ABC Likes Bitches?

The American Broadcast Company (ABC) needs to settle down. Yes, we know bitches are cool, but having two shows in your programming with a bitch named theme at the same time is a bit silly. Could this be a case of poor planning? I guess all of us bitches should thank ABC for saluting the bitch name but remember, we are smarter than this and this isn't smart.

Even though I love Kristin Chenoweth, I have not watched either of these shows yet and I'm not sure I want to. The only chance I would perhaps tune in is if the shows were played back-to-back. Especially since the tag for GCB is "Love Thy Neighbor." But wait, you said DON'T TRUST THE B---- IN APT 23...and love is trust!

Now that's smart.

Words of Wisdom From Miss. Jo Foxworth

Below are the Nine Commandments for Women in Business by Miss. Jo Foxworth. The Commandments were noted in 1965 before she spoke before the National Convention of the Advertising Federation of America. A clipping from the Tri City Herald newspaper on Thursday, July 1, 1965 as reported by BOSTON (AP) can be seen above.

Miss. Jo Foxworth was the President of the Advertising Women of New York and a vice president and creative director of the New York firm of Calkins and Holden.


Nine Commandments for Women in Business:

CAREER CODE

First: Thou shall try harder: thou need not be No. 2. (It is the first order of business to prove to the men that we mean business about our careers).

Second: Thou shall know when to zip thy ruby lips and let the men do the talking. (the longer we hold out on the men, the harder they'll listen when we do break down and give them the inside, straight picture).

Third: Thou shall not attempt to hide behind thine own petticoat. (Petticoats don't hide nearly so much as they used to. Nowadays they're apt to reveal rather more than they conceal).

ONLY LIPSTICK

Fourth: Thou shall speak softly and carry no stick, save lipstick. (All of us have known the female whose voice, under stress' goes up so many decibels that it could set fire to the sure on a rat's back).

Fifth: Thou shall serve thy lady boss as graciously as thou serves any man. (How can we expect to survive as lady bosses ourselves if we give the girls above us a hard way to go-and keep insisting that we'd rather work for men?).

Sixth: When success cometh thou shall not get too big for thy bustle. (A man grown too great for his own raiment is hard enough to take, but a woman who is too big for her own bustle is impossible).

WATCH WORDS

Seventh: Thou shall watch thy language; there may be gentlemen present. (A lot of our current smart talk drifted up to a polite society from the dock walloper, but when the girls start bandying it about it's particularly unsmart).

Eighth: Thou shall not match martinis with the men. (Some women can drink some men under the table - but a man under the table can still be dangerous).

Ninth: Thou shall save they sex appeal for after 5. (Sex around the office is like alcohol on the highway).

Miss Foxworth added: Anyone who trys to fathom the feminine mystique would be making a "mistaque."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In my opinion, Miss. Foxworth's Nine Commandments should be read by all working women (girls). Actually, they should be read by everyone. Even though she declared these in the sixties, I feel many still hold true today. Or if anything, they are worthy to take note. So...

TAKE NOTE and Let the River Run.

Even though this Working Girl did not abide by all of Miss. Foxworth's advice. Some bitches got to do things a little differently sometimes. Hey, it was the eighties.

Bitches Drink Bitch Beer

 

Hey Bitches,

 

Time to like beer if you don't already. However if you're a bitch, you should at least have some sort of appreciation for it. So it looks like it's time to get this: Bitch Creek.

From the Grand Teton Brewing Company, (Mountain) Bitches need their Bitch Creek. A liquor mart near me is offering a 6 pack of it for only $10.49!

Bitches Drink Bitch Beer.

Beer on, my bitches.

The Bitch Bun: High and Huge

Hey Bitches,

So Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week in New York has ended, and one important thing I took away from it this year was what I'm calling: The Bitch Bun. It is high and huge. Yes, I'm sure these hair buns have been featured before (I know they have), however there were a lot of them this year.

The best Bitch Buns were featured at Gwen Stefani's Spring/Summer 2012 L.A.M.B. Collection:

Photos by ImaxTree

Remember to make the buns HIGH and HUGE - Like the Mountains. As you see, you can also add some extra color in them for depth. You may refer back to these pictures if necessary.

Get your Bitch Buns on, my bitches.

Bitches Love Hearts In Space

Bitches are Red. Bitches are Blue. 

Bitches are Many Colors, so you can be a Bitch too.

When I was 3 or 4 years old, I spent, which seemed like the entire day, trying to draw a heart. You would think drawing a heart would be a simple project. However to this youngster, it wasn't. For some reason, I couldn't connect the half-hearts. Many hours later (okay it was probably one hour later but you know how time is infinite at that age), I succeeded. Little did I know that this simple struggle would be remembered the rest of my life - Connecting two half-hearts to make one.

Some years later, my fascination with hearts continued with best friend heart pendants. You know, the ones where half-hearts are puzzle pieces that fit together. I collected several over my young years, giving one heart half part of a pendant to a friend. She wore hers and I, the other. The other pendants I kept in my jewelry box for safety.

Apparently, Mother Nature is also fascinated with hearts since they are found in nature. They are even found in space. Is Mother Nature in charge of what happens in space too? Well, she's working with someone. Thanks to NASA for these heart images! You can see more Awesome Hearts Found In Nature courtesy of Steve Casimiro from Adventure Journal.

Is there Life on Mars? Well, there are at least hearts there...

Heart Nebula, NASA

Heart on Mars, NASA

Keep hearting on, my bitches.

Bitches Can Smile During Paris Fashion Week

Bitches don't smile all the time. You need to be doctor serious now and again. A good time to smile is while you're attending a Louis Vuitton Runway Show. Specifically, the last day of Paris Fashion Week during the LV Show of their Spring/Summer 2012 collection. Please see how to properly execute a smile, which is done below by Anna Wintour, Editor-in-Chief of American Vogue (front row, glasses - did I really have to tell you that?) to her Creative Director, Grace Coddington:

photo source: style.com

Study and learn, my bitches.

You know what started today...Mercedes Benz Fashion Week. Correct smiling applies there as well. I'll see about finding more pictures of Anna's perfect smiling execution for further reference.

Is M.I.A. a Classy Bitch?

(The Minaj, The Madge, The M.I.A.)

Hey Bitches,

There has been a lot of talk regarding M.I.A. and her guest appearance with Madonna on the Super Bowl XVLI Halftime Show this past Sunday. I mean, specifically about her flipping the bird to America (and beyond) during the broadcast (Oh, thanks director for making sure you caught it on camera!). So the question that immediately pops in my bitch brain is (and I know, the rest of all my special bitches): Is M.I.A. a classy bitch?

Let's take a look at various picture angles found on the internet of M.I.A. and her bird on display:

And Closer...

And Closer Some More...

Whammy!

After looking at these pictures, my only conclusion is...WHO CARES? Can we please talk about Madonna's thigh high leather boots instead? HELLO. Thank you.

It's your call. Flip as you may, my bitches.


PS - No really, if you know where I can get those boots, please say so in the comments below.

UPDATE! The boots "were custom stretch leather Miu Miu with a special ‘M’ on the heel for Madonna and Miu Miu." - Thanks fashionista.com!!

Bitch Style: Skinny Bitch Apparel

Many bitches, we are, skinny. It's because we don't eat much so therefore, we're angry hungry. So my bitches, you better know about this site: SKINNY BITCH APPAREL. You can at least shop like you're a skinny bitch if you aren't actually skinny.

                                            But please, EAT SOMETHING.

Bitch Style: Leather Pants

Not all rock stars are bitches, but all bitches are rock stars. Well actually, all rock stars are exceptionally lovely bitches on some level. Whether you are literally a rock star or just play one on TV, it's time to invest in some leather pants to be a sexy bitch.

 

Aaaaaaaand sheep.

Some Mountain Bitch Humor

Here's some quick mountain bitch humor for you...

Keep the mountains your friends, my bitches!

If you ain't a bitch, better make some bitches your friends...

Bitches Don't Gossip: Bitches Are Gossip

"Did you hear what that bitch said?" 

"Yes, yes I did."

Hey Bitches,

In case you aren't aware, in order to be a righteous, awesome bitch, you don't worry about gossiping. Why? Bitches ARE the gossip! Have you ever heard phrases like, "Did you hear what that bitch said?" or "Do you know what that bitch did?". Of course you have, and most likely the person asking these questions (gossiping) wishes she/he was that bitch. 

As a bitch, people want to be you. They may not admit it out loud but trust me, those thoughts are doing the backstroke in their swimming pool heads. Remember, bitches are power and everyone craves power. If you are a true bitch, you don't need to gossip since you will be the gossip and people will be talking about you.

So how do you start being a part of the gossip? Well, whatever you do, make sure it's crazy (you can refer back to the 5 beginning steps of Being The Bitch). Maybe throw some stuff, yell or say fuck a lot to one person in particular or to inanimate objects. Computers can especially be an excellent source for aggressively cursing. Be careful at work, however. You don't want to seem TOO crazy to work colleagues. Bitches are professional.

Bitch on, my bitches

Bitch Style: Words For The Walls

Without a doubt, you need these art pieces for your walls IMMEDIATELY:

 Christopher Wool 

 

Christopher Wool - Untitled (F54) [1992]

Bitches Beware: Mixed Drink Signals

Hey Bitches,

Mixed drinks are fun sometimes, just not all of the time. Of course you should drink a Mai Tai when in Hawaii, at a Luau party, or at a Trader Vic's. All this is a given. Remember - bitches aren't stupid. There are other special occasions when mixing is appropriate. Sometimes you just want a good Manhattan dammit.

Overall speaking however, once you start mixing, the good becomes bad. Perhaps I'm really speaking of self-mixing when going from vodka then gin and then wine and then...you get the picture. Mixed drinks (and drinking) are like mixed signals. Too many push and pulls makes the good become bad.

Why would you put anything else in a single malt scotch? I know, completely ridiculous. So the best practice is to not mix: straight whiskey, vodka, gin or tequila. Beer, wine and champagne are also acceptable. When something is good and you want to appreciate it, you don't put other shit in your glass or in your stomach.

Are you understanding this parallelism or must I further explain? Treat mixed signals as you would mixed drinks (drinking). If you are getting playfully slapped on the ass one minute and then are ignored the next, put your finger in your mouth and throw it all up before you won't have any control later while you are laying on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet.

We all make mistakes but if these mistakes keep happening, it's time to wise up. You should know better by now. Bitches don't mix on the mountain. Respect the whiskey and "it" will respect you.

Drink slow and love strong, my bitches.

Bitches Don't Wear This: The Sophie

These are called "Thigh-skimming panel jeans" dubbed the Sophie. They are made by some designer called Stephene. Hmmmmm...bitches please. I better not see you in a pair of these! Bitches don't wear this:

Be The Bitch

"Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman's got to hold onto." -Stephen King, Dolores Claiborne

(If you don't know who this is, figure it out.)

Being a bitch is useful on the mountain, and when I refer to mountains I don't mean it literally. We are all on some mountain: An actual mountain or the mountain of life. Getting through life's situations by being a bitch is sometimes the best and most helpful way to do it.

In the past few years, it has been a struggle for me to "Be The Bitch." I have a big heart and care about people which gets me in trouble when they walk over me. I also have been learning to care less about what others think of me. Sensitive, yes it's true, and remembering to work that bitch just makes you grow stronger. We need more strong women in our society. Where have they all gone? Are they hiding in the mountains?

Let's begin to dissect how you can start walking on your own bitch path. These are 5 good ways you can begin:

It's Okay To Say FUCK: Fuck you, fuck off, fuckface and the list goes on and on. It's true it can be considered crass and "unbecoming of a lady" to use this magic word. It's also true it's best not to use it while in certain situations, like to your boss at work (unless you are perhaps fucking each other). Words are power. Fuck it.

Stand Up For Yourself: This is less about being a bitch and more about claiming your power, which a bitch has -- POWER. Don't let people run over you. There are so many people who would be better off if they just claimed their power. Say what you think and don't be scared. People will respect you more. They may also become scared and that will only help your bitch path.

Don't Hang Around Stupid People: Bitches are smart and they don't need stupid people bringing them down, making them stupid and doing stupid things. You know who these people are, and the worse ones are those who don't know they're stupid. It's your choice to clue them in to their stupidity, but it may just be easier to phase them out.

Put Your Sensitivity On Hold: It's good to be sensitive, but not all the time. Giving yourself some separation from sensitivity is exercising your independence. Interestingly, the noun definition is: A person who is believed to respond to occult influences. Hence, don't get influenced by anything. Once you get influenced, then you start loosing yourself and that is what sensitivity thrives on. The Weak.

Get Crazy: Do you remember that song by Seal? The lyrics are: "Oh, you're never going to survive unless you get a little crazy." I believe he was singing to all bitches. Perhaps this should be THE Bitch Anthem. It's simple, really. Being a little crazy is a good thing, just don't get TOO crazy. If you can't figure out what the difference is between getting crazy and getting too crazy, then you are a stupid person and I don't know how to help you with that. I'm not supposed to hang out with stupid people. You should probably stop reading this...oops to late.

Did I forget to include something? Too bad. Fuck you.